I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
