Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
