He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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