Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize