If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
