You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
