I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
