Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
