My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
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