Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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