I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
