I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
