this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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