Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
this beer tastes like vomit already
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
