I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
