So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
