last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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