Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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