These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
