guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
