youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
