Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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