my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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