I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
