dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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