What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
