you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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