So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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