i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
