if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You pole danced in your parka.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
