I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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