Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
