please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
