I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize