Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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