I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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