In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Couch. On fire.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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