I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize