I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
