I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Randomize