i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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