I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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