Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
