Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
