the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
