Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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