its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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