Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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