I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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