i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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