Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
MIDGETS
????
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
