my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
