im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
