Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
