i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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