The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
