I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
