So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
