That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
