When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
