I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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