Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I touched a dick in church today
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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