I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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