my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
