The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize