Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
