if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
